Not Good Enough – And Other Lies.

 

loser girl self confidence

Hello Lovely!

 

I have a special topic today that is very close to my heart.

 

Every client I work with (Heck! Make that every person I meet if we get into a deep enough conversation) has some deep, dark secret that they are afraid the world will find out.

 

The secret is something they carry with them every day.  It pulls at them and pushes them around.

 

It gets them doing self-defeating things and mean things and small things.

 

And it can totally prevent them from becoming who they are capable of becoming and living the life they want to live.

 

This secret has many variations and different flavors but it basically goes something like this:

 

"If you really knew the truth about me you would judge me…reject me …hate me."

 

"If you really knew me you would know that…

 

I'm not good enough.

I'm not worthy.

I'm not lovable.

I'm a bad person.

I'm stupid.

I'm a loser." (my personal favorite)

 

Sound familiar?

 

Well, you are not alone.

 

Trust me. We are all in the same boat here. 

 

The fact of the matter is that you are unique and special but not because of your fears, doubts or problems. Those are pretty much the same as everyone else's.

 

"You are unique and special but not because of your fears, doubts or problems. Those are pretty much the same as everyone else's."

 

So let's take a look at this.

 

If EVERYONE thinks they are broken in some way then maybe, just maybe, we can relax a little and stop trying to hide it from each other.

 

Maybe there is some freedom in owning up to the fact that there is some small, sad voice – or a raging tyrant – inside of me that says, "I don’t measure up!"

 

Imagine a world where we all had t-shirts that stated, "The shitty part of my brain thinks I am a loser" or "a coward" or "evil".

 

And then maybe we would begin to realize that this is not the truth about us. It is just part of the human condition.

 

We could have a good laugh about it, share our stories and affirm the good in each other because, let's face it, if everyone thinks they are a little broken, then doesn't that kinda make us all ok?

 

Or at least doesn't that seem to open the door up a little bit to stop being so darn hard on ourselves?

 

Now maybe you are thinking, "But no, Joelle. I really am not good enough and I have to remember that and focus on it because it is the only way I will get better. "

 

I get it.  I was there once – recording every stumble, rehashing every misstep over and over in my head, thinking that if I just learned enough, was careful enough – etc. etc. , blah,  blah,  blah – then I could be good enough.  But it is a lie.

 

And it is time to put this lie to rest once and for all.

 

Take The Lie Detector Test:

 

So let's break it down and see if this thought is serving you or sabotaging you.

 

a.       Take out a fresh piece of paper and write the #1 thing you think is wrong with you at the top (not good enough, not smart enough etc.)

 

b.      Below that, start two lists.

At the top of one list write: "How this thought has helped me."

At the top of the second write: "How this thought has hurt me."

 

c. Now start filling them in. Try to get as many examples as you can under each list. 

 

Go ahead and give it a shot.

 

Now your likely came up with something like this…

 

"I think that I am a bad person"

 

List 1) How This Thought Has Helped Me.

I am extra careful to never hurt anyone.  

??????

 

List 2) How This Thought Has Hurt Me. 

I am afraid of hurting people most of the time so I tend to stay small and keep quiet.

I feel bad about myself a lot of the time.

I often feel disappointed in myself.

I keep my distance from relationships even though I desperately want to be close to people.

I often feel small, timid and hesitant when it comes to reaching out to new people or sharing myself with others.

I feel alone an isolated.

 

I don't know about you but my first list is pretty short and my second list is pretty darn long.

 

I remember the day when I really "got it" that thinking these crummy thoughts had no merit.

 

I realized that hating myself was not going to make me a better person….

 

That no amount of beating myself up was going to get me connected to my full power…

 

And that if I focused on those crummy thoughts enough, it practically GUARANTEED that I would never get to be happy, fulfilled or live the life that I wanted….

 

So, I gave it up.

 

I let go of the idea that these thoughts served any good in my life.

 

I vowed that when they came up I would see them for the lies they are and would instead focus on a new thought that made me feel good, gave me energy and propelled my life forward.

 

It’s Time To Stop Living The Lie:

 

So, are you ready to stop living the lie?

 

You can decide right now to stop listening to that mean, sad, self-defeating little voice once and for all.

 

You can guard yourself with the truth that nothing big, awesome or inspiring ever came from that voice.

 

And from there, refocus on thoughts that fill you up and give you strength and power.

 

Thoughts like:

 

The universe doesn't make mistakes.

I am perfectly designed to fulfill on what I came here to fulfill on in this lifetime.

 

Or the more simple but equally effective:

I am good.

I am lovable.

I am worthy.

I am enough.

 

It's Your Choice:

 

So here you stand at a fork in the road.

 

You can choose the lie and keep listening to the destructive voices… keep acting like the broken part in you is about you instead of accepting that this is the human condition and part of what makes you just like every other person on the planet.

 

Or you can accept that, just like every other person on the planet, you are worthwhile, important and worthy of love.

 

You can choose the path of truth and light.

 

You can choose to have a zero-tolerance policy on your "stinking thinking". 

 

You can shut the door on your mean, little voice and choose not to open it, even and especially when you are feeling down.

 

Go ahead. Choose.

 

It may not seem that simple but it is.

 

Simple? Yes.

 

 Easy? Ahhhh… no. I am not saying it is easy.

 

Even once you make the choice the voice will still be there.

 

And it will show up at the most inconvenient times…

 

When you try something new.

 

When you take a risk.

 

When you give your best and fail.

 

It will lie in waiting, ready to point out why you suck and the depth of your suckitude.

 

In fact, the journey of quieting this hurtful voice may take you the rest of your life but I can tell you this….

 

If, from this point, on you remember your choice…

 

and you use your beautiful brain to focus on what is awesome about you…

 

to use the best in you to fulfill on your dreams…

 

to say kind and wonderful things to yourself…

 

your life will get better.

 

And, in time, the voice will get quieter and quieter and show up less and less frequently and you will feel more and more free.

 

Once you make the choice the voices will get quieter and quieter and you will feel more and more free.

 

The New Truth About You:

So here is what I need you to do:

 

1) Dare to make the choice to shut down your mean, little voice once and for all. Go ahead. Do it now.

   Feeling better already, aren't you?

 

2) Choose your new truth.  Choose at least one supportive thought that you are going to practice, focus on and believe about yourself. You will know you have a good one when it makes you feel strong, opens your heart and has you stand a little taller. Then watch for the small and big ways that your life rises up and changes for the better (because it will).  

 

3) Post your declaration in the comments below and share what lie you will no longer tolerate or share the new truth you will be practicing.

For example: 

"I am dumping the lie.

From here forward I will have zero tolerance for the voice that says "I am not good enough".

My new truth is that I TOTALLY FRICKING ROCK!

I am a light in the world and I love myself!" 🙂

Oh ya. That feels good!

Coach Joelle with Flower FinalIf only you knew how awesome you really are, how lovable, how essential and how sacred your life is, well, you would never say another mean thing about you, my friend.

 

Love yourself, own your power, and live the life you came here to live.

 

It starts now.

 

Namaste.

 

Joelle

 

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Comments

  1. Thank you Joelle.
    You have no idea how much I appreciated this in my inbox this morning. The right inspiration at the right time.
    Namaste

  2. this is similar to PTSD Cognitive behavior training. It retrains your brain to establish different pathways around these “beliefs” that derail healthy self-esteem and interacting with the world. Trauma cements these wrong beliefs. To re-wire beliefs, you have to be mindful of your own emotional responses. Scientifically, the first lower part of the brain that evolved is where the Fight-or-Flight response comes from. The second middle part that evolved is where emotions come from. The third and last part to evolve is the cortex, where logic and personality come from. If life-threatening trauma occurs, the brain seals off the memory so that it won’t change, then recognizes similar incidents in the present as triggers. These triggers cause nausea, social avoidance, fear, etc.. Without knowing the cause, those buried beliefs activate emotions. When emotions are intense, and the Fight-or-flight response is engaged, access to the cortex is literally shut off. (People who go into rages say they couldn’t help their behavior, weren’t in control, because they ARENT. The cortex is shut off.) These methods use LOGIC, or the cortex, to re-examine destructive beliefs and misdirected emotions, thus actually re-wiring neural pathways….

    • Anna!  Thank you for sharing all of your wisdom about our fabulous brains!  What you wrote makes me think of a recent fear experience that I have been calling "brain-gripping fear".  I was faced with intense fear that took me off guard and I could feel what you are speaking about where the cortex is unavailable. Thank you for making us all a little more aware and wiser with your share.  Joelle 

  3. Like I said Joelle, you're a women after my own heart! I loved this article!! it is such a universal topic that affects ALL of us at one time or another. Learning to be our own best friends is a journey indeed; one I have traveled on for a very long time. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom and for making a difference on the planet. You Rock!!!! 🙂

    • Elena! Thank you for the lovely note.  Yes, we do seem to be two peas in a pod. 🙂 Glad the article resonated with you and thank you for all the light and inspiration you bring to the world. I am grateful to be sharing the journey with you.

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